If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
