i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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