i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
