I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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