I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
