I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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