i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
