I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
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Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
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We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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