Michael Bay diarrhea
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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