If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
