Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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