Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
