mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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