Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
