He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
