id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
