I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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