i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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