I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
