I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
