if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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