smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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