I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
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I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
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Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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