Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
