my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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