I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
