never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
