Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
