If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
My dick has a subreddit
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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