The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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