you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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