He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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