Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
