When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
