Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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