Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
