i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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