how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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