Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
