just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
