Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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