i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
