These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
where does the pee come out of this thing
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
