I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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