Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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