so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
