So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
