even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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