Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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