I accidentally had phone sex last night
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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