All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
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He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
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I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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