I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
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We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
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