Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
