All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
