I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Randomize
