i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
