I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
