just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
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Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
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I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex