I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?