6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.