Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
